Something about you makes me wonder if I've changed. If I've become this miracle, this saved person who somehow before held on to a single thread of hope. A person who miraculously morphed into a loving being whose no longer lonely and confused. Am I someone new? Someone I swore to myself I wouldn't be? As I go through the various stages of feeling some sort of intimacy, some sort of spark of passion, I wonder why I never wanted to be this person. Why I didn't want to feel like I belonged, why I didn't want to feel balanced? Why didn't I want to feel like things weren't so hard? The idea frustrates me, makes me want to yell at myself for being so foolish, so selfish. Why was I holding on to dear life to these god damn walls, begging them, pleading to never fall down? To never leave me exposed to some foreign world where I know I cannot survive? Then I remember and sadness quickly rushes over me covering me like a blanket. This blanket is home to me, Chris. It's all I ever known; sadness. To be sad, is to be assured.
I get flashbacks every now and then of me crying. I cried everywhere. In my bedroom, at dinner, walking home from school. It amazes me, how someone can have such a huge impact on your life, and tell you things that you yourself didn't even know was possible. They tell you that they wouldn't judge, and that they love you, and that they would never leave you alone. Because they know what it's like to be alone, to be lost within some massive hollow shell. You create unforgettable memories, and you feel like they didn't lie. You give them your all, all your sweet kisses, all your time, all your energy. And then it happens. Out of no where. You get a phone call from the person, and you're excited because you haven't spoken to them in a few days due to baseball practice. Then the famous line shoots out nonchalantly, "I need to talk to you." And they tell you they can't be with you anymore because there are things in this life that they love more than they will ever love you. The minute you hear those last words, you die. Your insides feel as if they've been ripped out, your head booms with confusion, the dizziness overwhelms you to the point where you can't even stand up. Then you drown in your fucking tears. You secretly drown for months, gasping for air, hoping they'll come back and pull you out of this rushing current.
It's a hazy summer day. You struggle to open your eyes, and when you want to speak water shoots out. You realized you've been saved, and you squint your eyes to see the person who pulled you out. You expect to see the person who caused you this pain, but to your surprise no. I wasn't saved by him. I was saved by you, Chris. My head screamed no, don't let him become a apart of you, because when he leaves, your going to go through the same cycle. But the million little pieces my heart was in told me the same thing. Give him a chance.
So I did. And I waited for you to mess up. I waited for you to talk to another girl, I waited for you to refuse to hold my hand in front of your friends, I waited for you to tell me I wasn't good enough. Because I know I'm not. No matter how many times you tell me I'm beautiful and perfect and worth so much more than I give myself credit for I won't believe you. When I look in the mirror I just see ugliness disguised in foundation and eyeliner. Somehow though, something small opens up in my heart and reminds me that I have you. Having you makes me ten times more beautiful. And I know there's something beautiful hiding beneath my imperfections. A beauty you held up for me to see which creates a strength that only you can understand.
Being with you is so unreal. I feel like this is all a dream, and I'm waiting for someone to pinch me. Fortunately, no one has yet, and if this really is a facade, I hope I don't wake up soon. I want to spend every second being yours. You don't understand, I love you so much.
There's always a day when a love starts falling apart. Don't give up the fight. Love will last as long as you let it.