Everything was laid out in front of me, the signs neon green screaming in my face saying "look at me!". I noticed them too, you had to be blind if you couldn't see what was going on. But I told myself he was never one to break his promises.
In a matter of days my life began to change and everything was going so fast and I was confused and scared and all cried out. I tried to find comfort in old photographs and memories of times when our love was bigger than the both of us. That just made the wound worsen and left me thinking where the fuck did this go wrong? And it was then I blamed myself. I thought maybe if I showed more affection, or tried to look better, or spent more time with him then none of the would've happened. I thought maybe if I never did what I did last May then he would still love me. But that was a bridge I thought we burned a long time ago.
I spent nights laying in bed wondering what she had that I didn't. Then I decided to answer my own question and I thought of countless reasons of why he didn't want me anymore and it all made sense. I'm not worth it. Why would he settle for me when he could have someone better. I knew he wanted her this whole time too, but I wanted him all to myself. I wanted his every kiss, I wanted to be the only one that made him smile, the only one to feel his touch, the only one he was calling beautiful, the only one that made his heart skip a beat. But that's all fairy tale bullshit. None of that happens in real life.
You know I fucking loved him with every thing inside me. When he kissed me my muscles tensed and when he would cry to me late at night I instantly had an urge to hold him and tell him I was there and everything would be okay. I loved the way he (badly) sang Blink 182 to me on his bed. And the way he would pin me to the ground and kiss me. We had it good, we were madly in love. But it's sad to say none of that matters anymore. He made me feel like a piece of shit. Made me believe everything was my fault. I cried for days over the same thing and when I think about all the good times we had it just gets ruined because I think of Chris with her. I can never forget this.
I hope you read this and you feel bad. I hope you breakdown like a little boy and cry for me. This is what you wanted.
These thoughts are eating away at my brain making it's way to my heart hitting every nerve along the way. I try so hard to push these thoughts out of my mouth as easy as I push away people. But the letters get caught up in my throat and I think the vowels are more comfortable in the dark.
I don't really know what I need to say to make things better. I try and I try but there comes to a point where I get tired from putting in so much effort and getting nothing back in return.
Today was so perfect. We laid in bed for mostly the whole day and I laid in the security of his arms. And we talked about the future and told each other how much we loved each other and asdfghjkl it was just everything I've always wanted. I love Chris so much. I just wish that was enough.
Now I'm in bed with this huge block in my throat and I think I'm just going to go to sleep.
I often think of suicide, Not because my life is so fucked up, because it's not. I have a bed to sleep in, food to eat, and clothes on my back. From an outside view it seems silly of me to contemplate such a permanent decision. But I do. I find myself crying minimum 2 times a week. I'm beating myself up emotionally and there's a constant war in my head. I feel like that's the only consistent thing in my life. I haven't cut since the summer due to a promise I made with Chris, but it's hard to stop doing something that you've done for so long. Something that helped you cope..something that was the only hurt and pain you could control in your life.
The moments when so much emotion gets stuck behind your skin but you can't find the right words to let it out and so it just pushes on your bones and on your stomach and on the back of your eyelids, and you don't know what to do except to try and consume as much oxygen as possible in hopes that it dilutes the chaos into a more manageable mix of red blood cells and salt are the most unbearable thing.